Navigating Major Milestones

February appears to have become the month that I have to deal with Survivor’s guilt.  It has become an anniversary month because it was when I first became aware of changes in my abdoman and began this most unwelcome journey.  And it was the month when my brother Jim and our friend Don passed on last year.  Those events seem to gather up all my sad feelings about them and other friends and make me ask “Why did I survive when others died?”  ”Why didn’t I do more?”  ”What if I had done “such and such”–would that have helped?”  Fortunately the strong winds of March and the promised sunshine of April have swept all these thoughts into the background where they will probably lurk until next February.  Choosing to dwell on these thoughts would keep me from feeling the graditude for what I have been given… more time and more health.  No matter how short or how long.

March flew by almost as fast as February.  I think I’m seeing a trend here.  They do say that times goes faster as you age.  And it’s true that it flies when you’re having fun.  But there were some days in Febrary and March that weren’t fun and it still flew by.  But who minds that time is in a hurry when it is headed toward spring.  There are some buds on the trees and my daffodils are almost ready to pop.  I’ve known for years that the most beautiful time in Fort Wayne is the last 2 weeks of April.  So I need to hang on just a little longer.

Last Monday was a major milestone.  It was time to return to the University of Michigan to collect good news from Dr. C.  I did lose one of my security blankets.  This was the first check-up that didn’t include a CT scan. And it was also time to say good bye to a good friend–my port.  Even though I hated it at first and had trouble accepting it, I now appreciate how it saved by veins from the poison that is chemo.  It was also a way to get my blood tests done comfortably.  Removal of the port was a fairly simple procedure.  I opened my blouse and laid on a hospital bed.  The nurse partially covered my face with towel and gave me a numbing shot.  The Chinese doctor was cheerful and a bit chatty.  (I love people who love their jobs.)  At one point he asked me how I was doing and when I replied that I was doing good, he said “I’m doing good, too!”  He said he has been removing ports for 10 years and probably does 2 to 4 each day.  (I also love people who are experienced at what they do.)  Dr. C was as beautiful as ever.  She explained that Liposarcomas usually return to the same area if they recurr within a few years.  Later they may turn up in the lungs or the brain.  X-rays showed that my lungs are clear.  Any questions that Jerry may have about my brain function will have to wait.  I do have a site which might shed some light on this subject.  http://bit.ly/dH8AHw is a site which proposes to explain impairments in attention and memory which constitute significant problems for cancer patients and surviviors.  Incidence rates range from 17 to 75% of cancer patients and survivors.  I’m guessing that I’m in that 75%.

 

 

Advertisement